short narrative

up way too early, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. she's in that place again. the nicotine and caffeine make the thoughts race. every now and then returning to one that is a double-edged sword, horrifying and yet somehow pleasant- she will die. she sits in her room and writes pages and pages of her daily life. she looks back on what she's written, and laughs. it's not funny, but it's easier to laugh than cry. she thinks about the past year and feels nostalgic, and hopeless. she misses all of her dear friends she met in treatment, but she knows that going back is not an option. she is disappointed with some of her friends at school because they let her down. she doesn't trust any of the friendships she has because the fear of abandonment is so immense. she also doesn't trust because she has been hurt and betrayed so much that she doesn't feel anyone could really love her. her faith in God barely exists anymore because of everything that has happened over the years. if God really did exist, how the hell would He let all of this happen? she doesn't know.