Levine again..

so yeah.. i don't even know where to begin. i am back at levine from randolf. not really a surprise to anyone here, but i am doing much better.
no tubes, no PPN or any of the sort.
i have been eating all of my meals and snacks as required to gain priveleges back.
it's been hard as hell, but i've been making it through.
and the facebook picture thing, well there's really nothing i can do about that now because i'm not allowed on facebook at the moment. but anyway, to all the haters out there, you're very ignorant to believe anything i'm going through is for attention.
it does suck to be back here. i feel like such a failure... i mean, i've spent over a month in hospital(s) trying to somehow maintain medical stability. it's been the hardest battle of my life.
i was only at CMC Randolf for a day and a half before i had to get sent back to levine... that really does make me pathetic.
however i could sit here and should all over myself all day long but it doesn't change anything. i'm here now and i have to do my best to get better.
so for all of you out there who think it's for attention, please back off. i really am trying to kick this ED in the ass.

PPN

yesterday i started a treatment called PPN, which is basically just a lot of big words that stand for IV nutrition. it is, so far, the worst thing i have ever had to do treatment wise. it stings and burns when it goes in, and it freaks me out because i have no idea what they have going inside of me. i don't know the calories, or any of the info, i don't know what it's going to do to my body, i don't know how much i weigh, so for an eating disorder sufferer it's an utter nightmare.
they keep telling me all of the complications that could arise from doing PPN and it makes me so mad. like, why can't i just eat and not get sick afterwards? it's so freaking frustrating. for the first time in my life i wish i could just eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about any of this anymore. UGH!

the 12 days of Levine

so far my stay here at levine has not been good. i've been getting sick all of the time, and the doctors are trying their hardest to figure out what's wrong. yesterday i had to do a barium swallow test, and today i have to have an MRI on my stomach to see what's going on. it's all really overwhelming.
what scares me the most is to think that i have done permenant damage to my body that can't be reversed. i literally CAN'T eat anymore without getting sick. i may end up having to get a PICC line to get TPN, or have my NG tube advanced and be on continuous feeds, or get a G/J tube. it's all so scary.
i never knew my eating disorder could cause all of these problems. i never thought i would end up being so sick.
some days i don't leave my bed for the entire day because i feel so horrible.
i have constant headaches that never go away unless they give me pain meds which just knock me out. i don't know.. i'm just venting. i'm horribly scared. but hopefully they'll figure something out soon. :/