So I know I haven't written on my blog in like years, but i figured if anyone still follows they'd want an update. so i've been at Cumberland Hospital for children in VA for almost a year and a half. it's been exhausting, but i've honestly gotten better. things aren't 100% better, but i have made progress. soon i will be going to a new treatment center (new hope carolinas) it is a residential center that is a lot closer to home so i will slowly reintegrate back into society. i'm excited and yet... it is very nerve racking, but i know it's time. there is not much more that cumberland can offer me after being here for so long. so yeah, hopefully the transition will go smoothly and i will be able to keep in contact and continue writing. i can't wait to share some of my poems and such. i hope to talk to you all soon. my love and support are always with you. love always, Erin

so it's been really rough lately. i have landed myself back into the hospital again, which some would say is what i wanted; i would have to disagree. i'm miserable. my whole family is angry and pulling away from me, my friends are starting to ditch me, i'm losing more than just weight. it just really sucks. there are students here that are my age doing internships to become a nurse... it's embarrassing to know that they are the same age as i am and are so successful in life. sure, when i get better i can do those things too, but i will always be a little bit behind due to my eating disorder. i woke up at 12:45am this morning worrying.. they want to send me to a psych ward and then back to treatment. i know that psych wards don't do anything good for eating disorders, so i am a little perplexed. however, i got myself into this- i need to get myself out. i would just really like some support with everything that's going on and the fear of the unknown. <3 love you all!

Renfrew round three.

So I'm going to renfrewv in Florida on Wednesday.. It's so embarrassing because I was just there 2 weeks ago. I don't know how things spiraled down so quickly. While the beach was nicem I think it was a bad idea to go fresh out of treatment. I was at Renfrew Charlotte today and when she mentioned residential, my heart dropped into my stomach. "not again," I thought. I still don't understand how things got so messed up... Some may claim it's because I wanted it to, but that'd simply not true. I really thought I had everything under control this time. I feel like such a failure. I spent all night in the er last night just thinking, what the hell am I doing with my life!? Nothing. Nothing but being an invalid, sick person.

exhausted.

there are no ways to describe what i'm feeling right now... i just want this to be over. like, seriously i'm on the brink. i don't know how to deal with this anymore, not to say that i ever did. i'm nearly in tears as i write this... i've lost everything.. my best friend, trust, health, forgiveness, everything. i just don't want to be here anymore, not like this anyway. i've been asked the question many times- "what would your life look like if you were healthy?" and you know what, i don't f*cking know. all i've ever been is sick, since day one. literally; i weighed one pound eight ounces at birth and barely clung on to life. i had over 10 surgeries due to my cerebral palsy, basically all of my life has been spent in a hospital setting. maybe i have become institutionalized, like a prisoner who finally gets out and doesn't know what to do with himself or the world around him. that's how i am... i don't even know what to say next... my mind is so scattered and crazy... maybe it's because i stopped taking my abilify, maybe it's because my best friend ditched me, maybe it's just because i'm me. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry, i had to get that out. what i'm trying to say is that i'm simply exhausted.

GI issues

so i've been having major GI issues lately. i stopped taking my reglan for my gastroparisis, and i thought that was the problem. however, i have been consistently taking it now and it's still not getting better. my stomach hurts so bad it's hard to eat, drink, even walk around. it's horrible. i don't want to be admitted to the hospital again, but i seriously am scared out of my mind. what if i did this to myself?? what if my actions in my ED have caused serious damage to my intestines? we're at the beach until saturday, then we're going home. if it still hurts, i'm going to go to urgent care again. i feel so bad to be burdening my family and friends with my health issues... i want this to all be over. why can't it be? if i could have stopped this years ago this problem wouldn't be here... fml..

numb.

drink hot, liquid caffeine. smoking menthol after menthol. ouch, the liquid is hot! breathe in a breath of mint smoke, exhale and lungs clear. anxiety is reducing. the hot liquid, the minty taste, the unknown deep breathing bring me back. proves that I can feel. proves that I'm alive. sometimes when we are so numb we forget how to feel anything at all. I'm no longer numb. I'm feeling a lot. vulnerability is my middle name. but I'm going to fight.

cry.

a part of me just wants to cry... to naturally purge everything inside. to erase all of the heartbreaking emotions and memories. to, for a moment, feel out of control, scared, but relieved. I wish I could make myself cry instead of acting on symptoms. it's miserable being stuck back in the awful ED. I feel so hopeless and helpless, while I'm painting on a pretty smile for outsiders. my behavior is again secretive, manipulative, scary. I scare the crap out of myself when I act like this.. it's not who I am to do these things; morally they aren't okay. I just wish I were at home with the security of therapy and groups and supervised, supportive meals 2 times a week. I've only been here for 3 days and already I'm sliding quickly down the slippery slope of relapse. I don't know how to make it go slower, or better yet, stop. I don't want to become a monster again.. lying, cheating, stealing, doing anything to protect my ED. that is something I want to leave in the past. but even the past continues to resurface; I can't run away from anything anymore.