so it's been really rough lately. i have landed myself back into the hospital again, which some would say is what i wanted; i would have to disagree. i'm miserable. my whole family is angry and pulling away from me, my friends are starting to ditch me, i'm losing more than just weight. it just really sucks. there are students here that are my age doing internships to become a nurse... it's embarrassing to know that they are the same age as i am and are so successful in life. sure, when i get better i can do those things too, but i will always be a little bit behind due to my eating disorder. i woke up at 12:45am this morning worrying.. they want to send me to a psych ward and then back to treatment. i know that psych wards don't do anything good for eating disorders, so i am a little perplexed. however, i got myself into this- i need to get myself out. i would just really like some support with everything that's going on and the fear of the unknown. <3 love you all!

Renfrew round three.

So I'm going to renfrewv in Florida on Wednesday.. It's so embarrassing because I was just there 2 weeks ago. I don't know how things spiraled down so quickly. While the beach was nicem I think it was a bad idea to go fresh out of treatment. I was at Renfrew Charlotte today and when she mentioned residential, my heart dropped into my stomach. "not again," I thought. I still don't understand how things got so messed up... Some may claim it's because I wanted it to, but that'd simply not true. I really thought I had everything under control this time. I feel like such a failure. I spent all night in the er last night just thinking, what the hell am I doing with my life!? Nothing. Nothing but being an invalid, sick person.

exhausted.

there are no ways to describe what i'm feeling right now... i just want this to be over. like, seriously i'm on the brink. i don't know how to deal with this anymore, not to say that i ever did. i'm nearly in tears as i write this... i've lost everything.. my best friend, trust, health, forgiveness, everything. i just don't want to be here anymore, not like this anyway. i've been asked the question many times- "what would your life look like if you were healthy?" and you know what, i don't f*cking know. all i've ever been is sick, since day one. literally; i weighed one pound eight ounces at birth and barely clung on to life. i had over 10 surgeries due to my cerebral palsy, basically all of my life has been spent in a hospital setting. maybe i have become institutionalized, like a prisoner who finally gets out and doesn't know what to do with himself or the world around him. that's how i am... i don't even know what to say next... my mind is so scattered and crazy... maybe it's because i stopped taking my abilify, maybe it's because my best friend ditched me, maybe it's just because i'm me. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry, i had to get that out. what i'm trying to say is that i'm simply exhausted.

GI issues

so i've been having major GI issues lately. i stopped taking my reglan for my gastroparisis, and i thought that was the problem. however, i have been consistently taking it now and it's still not getting better. my stomach hurts so bad it's hard to eat, drink, even walk around. it's horrible. i don't want to be admitted to the hospital again, but i seriously am scared out of my mind. what if i did this to myself?? what if my actions in my ED have caused serious damage to my intestines? we're at the beach until saturday, then we're going home. if it still hurts, i'm going to go to urgent care again. i feel so bad to be burdening my family and friends with my health issues... i want this to all be over. why can't it be? if i could have stopped this years ago this problem wouldn't be here... fml..

numb.

drink hot, liquid caffeine. smoking menthol after menthol. ouch, the liquid is hot! breathe in a breath of mint smoke, exhale and lungs clear. anxiety is reducing. the hot liquid, the minty taste, the unknown deep breathing bring me back. proves that I can feel. proves that I'm alive. sometimes when we are so numb we forget how to feel anything at all. I'm no longer numb. I'm feeling a lot. vulnerability is my middle name. but I'm going to fight.

cry.

a part of me just wants to cry... to naturally purge everything inside. to erase all of the heartbreaking emotions and memories. to, for a moment, feel out of control, scared, but relieved. I wish I could make myself cry instead of acting on symptoms. it's miserable being stuck back in the awful ED. I feel so hopeless and helpless, while I'm painting on a pretty smile for outsiders. my behavior is again secretive, manipulative, scary. I scare the crap out of myself when I act like this.. it's not who I am to do these things; morally they aren't okay. I just wish I were at home with the security of therapy and groups and supervised, supportive meals 2 times a week. I've only been here for 3 days and already I'm sliding quickly down the slippery slope of relapse. I don't know how to make it go slower, or better yet, stop. I don't want to become a monster again.. lying, cheating, stealing, doing anything to protect my ED. that is something I want to leave in the past. but even the past continues to resurface; I can't run away from anything anymore.

every time it rains

the thunder roars, the lightening strikes, the rain pours down. the storm came out of no where, and doesn't seem to want to go away.
the same thing happened with ED today. his voice roaring in my head, his grip tightening on me, his toxicity pouring out.
i don't know where it came from, or where its going to go; all i know is that i can't handle much more. 7 years of literal torture. 7 years of sickness and near death experiences. i don't know what happened... i was doing so well, at least physically. mentally i was still caught in the storm of ED and addiction. i see my scars from my IV's and PICC line and remember how painful that whole process was. do i really want to go through that again? spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital, hooked up to IV's and feeding tubes? is remember shaking and crying in treatment center bedrooms, always cold and uncomfortable, always scared and lonely. do i want to live like that for the rest of my life? no.
so why is this happening again? why can't i just grab control of this monster and restrain it, at least for more than 6 days? i don't know.
every time it rains, i look up to the sky, and i wonder what is so great about sunshine. everyone lives, and everyone dies, including me. so why try?
because sunshine is beautiful. it radiates warmth onto our skin. without it we wouldn't even have a chance of survival. that's what is so great about it. so i must push on through the storm, continue to walk towards the sun.

slipping and sliding.

so yesterday i had my first big slip- i acted on ED symptoms. it was very impulsive and stupid, but in the moment it felt like the only option i had.now i'm having crzy urges to do it again, but i haven't. i'm just struggling a lot with thoughts, memories, and emotions. my therapist and i had a really intense session yesterday surrounding my trauma, and right afterwards i had to eat dinner. it was just too much to deal with. but today i got back on track with breakfast. howver, i won't say i feel good. i'm miserable. i feel like my body doean't belong to me anymore. it just feels so foriegn. i want to rip off my skin and cry. i'm starting IOP today, which i'm really nervous about. i have to go to groups and then eat dinner there. worst part is- i have to prepare my meal myself. i really wish i could just skip it, but i can't. i guess i'll write more afterwards to let you all know how it goes.

little girl lost

so today i am at work with my mom at the elemntary school she works at, and so far things have been okay. however, that's not why i'm writing this.
there is this girl who my mom pointed out to me that doesn't eat anymore. she has a lot of family issues, and she is quickly developing an eating disorder. although she hasn't been formally diagnosed, she definitely shows the traits of anorexia nervosa. it made me so sad today to see her throw away her food. i wanted to approach her, but because she isn't diagnosed that wouldn't be appropriate. she is already extremely tiny. i guess i see so much of myself in her... she's the same age i was when i developed my eating disorder. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and afraid for her. hopefully i will be able to help her soon.