cry.

a part of me just wants to cry... to naturally purge everything inside. to erase all of the heartbreaking emotions and memories. to, for a moment, feel out of control, scared, but relieved. I wish I could make myself cry instead of acting on symptoms. it's miserable being stuck back in the awful ED. I feel so hopeless and helpless, while I'm painting on a pretty smile for outsiders. my behavior is again secretive, manipulative, scary. I scare the crap out of myself when I act like this.. it's not who I am to do these things; morally they aren't okay. I just wish I were at home with the security of therapy and groups and supervised, supportive meals 2 times a week. I've only been here for 3 days and already I'm sliding quickly down the slippery slope of relapse. I don't know how to make it go slower, or better yet, stop. I don't want to become a monster again.. lying, cheating, stealing, doing anything to protect my ED. that is something I want to leave in the past. but even the past continues to resurface; I can't run away from anything anymore.