so it's been really rough lately. i have landed myself back into the hospital again, which some would say is what i wanted; i would have to disagree. i'm miserable. my whole family is angry and pulling away from me, my friends are starting to ditch me, i'm losing more than just weight. it just really sucks. there are students here that are my age doing internships to become a nurse... it's embarrassing to know that they are the same age as i am and are so successful in life. sure, when i get better i can do those things too, but i will always be a little bit behind due to my eating disorder. i woke up at 12:45am this morning worrying.. they want to send me to a psych ward and then back to treatment. i know that psych wards don't do anything good for eating disorders, so i am a little perplexed. however, i got myself into this- i need to get myself out. i would just really like some support with everything that's going on and the fear of the unknown. <3 love you all!

Renfrew round three.

So I'm going to renfrewv in Florida on Wednesday.. It's so embarrassing because I was just there 2 weeks ago. I don't know how things spiraled down so quickly. While the beach was nicem I think it was a bad idea to go fresh out of treatment. I was at Renfrew Charlotte today and when she mentioned residential, my heart dropped into my stomach. "not again," I thought. I still don't understand how things got so messed up... Some may claim it's because I wanted it to, but that'd simply not true. I really thought I had everything under control this time. I feel like such a failure. I spent all night in the er last night just thinking, what the hell am I doing with my life!? Nothing. Nothing but being an invalid, sick person.

exhausted.

there are no ways to describe what i'm feeling right now... i just want this to be over. like, seriously i'm on the brink. i don't know how to deal with this anymore, not to say that i ever did. i'm nearly in tears as i write this... i've lost everything.. my best friend, trust, health, forgiveness, everything. i just don't want to be here anymore, not like this anyway. i've been asked the question many times- "what would your life look like if you were healthy?" and you know what, i don't f*cking know. all i've ever been is sick, since day one. literally; i weighed one pound eight ounces at birth and barely clung on to life. i had over 10 surgeries due to my cerebral palsy, basically all of my life has been spent in a hospital setting. maybe i have become institutionalized, like a prisoner who finally gets out and doesn't know what to do with himself or the world around him. that's how i am... i don't even know what to say next... my mind is so scattered and crazy... maybe it's because i stopped taking my abilify, maybe it's because my best friend ditched me, maybe it's just because i'm me. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry, i had to get that out. what i'm trying to say is that i'm simply exhausted.

GI issues

so i've been having major GI issues lately. i stopped taking my reglan for my gastroparisis, and i thought that was the problem. however, i have been consistently taking it now and it's still not getting better. my stomach hurts so bad it's hard to eat, drink, even walk around. it's horrible. i don't want to be admitted to the hospital again, but i seriously am scared out of my mind. what if i did this to myself?? what if my actions in my ED have caused serious damage to my intestines? we're at the beach until saturday, then we're going home. if it still hurts, i'm going to go to urgent care again. i feel so bad to be burdening my family and friends with my health issues... i want this to all be over. why can't it be? if i could have stopped this years ago this problem wouldn't be here... fml..

numb.

drink hot, liquid caffeine. smoking menthol after menthol. ouch, the liquid is hot! breathe in a breath of mint smoke, exhale and lungs clear. anxiety is reducing. the hot liquid, the minty taste, the unknown deep breathing bring me back. proves that I can feel. proves that I'm alive. sometimes when we are so numb we forget how to feel anything at all. I'm no longer numb. I'm feeling a lot. vulnerability is my middle name. but I'm going to fight.

cry.

a part of me just wants to cry... to naturally purge everything inside. to erase all of the heartbreaking emotions and memories. to, for a moment, feel out of control, scared, but relieved. I wish I could make myself cry instead of acting on symptoms. it's miserable being stuck back in the awful ED. I feel so hopeless and helpless, while I'm painting on a pretty smile for outsiders. my behavior is again secretive, manipulative, scary. I scare the crap out of myself when I act like this.. it's not who I am to do these things; morally they aren't okay. I just wish I were at home with the security of therapy and groups and supervised, supportive meals 2 times a week. I've only been here for 3 days and already I'm sliding quickly down the slippery slope of relapse. I don't know how to make it go slower, or better yet, stop. I don't want to become a monster again.. lying, cheating, stealing, doing anything to protect my ED. that is something I want to leave in the past. but even the past continues to resurface; I can't run away from anything anymore.

every time it rains

the thunder roars, the lightening strikes, the rain pours down. the storm came out of no where, and doesn't seem to want to go away.
the same thing happened with ED today. his voice roaring in my head, his grip tightening on me, his toxicity pouring out.
i don't know where it came from, or where its going to go; all i know is that i can't handle much more. 7 years of literal torture. 7 years of sickness and near death experiences. i don't know what happened... i was doing so well, at least physically. mentally i was still caught in the storm of ED and addiction. i see my scars from my IV's and PICC line and remember how painful that whole process was. do i really want to go through that again? spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital, hooked up to IV's and feeding tubes? is remember shaking and crying in treatment center bedrooms, always cold and uncomfortable, always scared and lonely. do i want to live like that for the rest of my life? no.
so why is this happening again? why can't i just grab control of this monster and restrain it, at least for more than 6 days? i don't know.
every time it rains, i look up to the sky, and i wonder what is so great about sunshine. everyone lives, and everyone dies, including me. so why try?
because sunshine is beautiful. it radiates warmth onto our skin. without it we wouldn't even have a chance of survival. that's what is so great about it. so i must push on through the storm, continue to walk towards the sun.

slipping and sliding.

so yesterday i had my first big slip- i acted on ED symptoms. it was very impulsive and stupid, but in the moment it felt like the only option i had.now i'm having crzy urges to do it again, but i haven't. i'm just struggling a lot with thoughts, memories, and emotions. my therapist and i had a really intense session yesterday surrounding my trauma, and right afterwards i had to eat dinner. it was just too much to deal with. but today i got back on track with breakfast. howver, i won't say i feel good. i'm miserable. i feel like my body doean't belong to me anymore. it just feels so foriegn. i want to rip off my skin and cry. i'm starting IOP today, which i'm really nervous about. i have to go to groups and then eat dinner there. worst part is- i have to prepare my meal myself. i really wish i could just skip it, but i can't. i guess i'll write more afterwards to let you all know how it goes.

little girl lost

so today i am at work with my mom at the elemntary school she works at, and so far things have been okay. however, that's not why i'm writing this.
there is this girl who my mom pointed out to me that doesn't eat anymore. she has a lot of family issues, and she is quickly developing an eating disorder. although she hasn't been formally diagnosed, she definitely shows the traits of anorexia nervosa. it made me so sad today to see her throw away her food. i wanted to approach her, but because she isn't diagnosed that wouldn't be appropriate. she is already extremely tiny. i guess i see so much of myself in her... she's the same age i was when i developed my eating disorder. i don't know, i just feel so helpless and afraid for her. hopefully i will be able to help her soon.

flashback.

flashback-*smash* the glass vase shatters. i'm terrified. what is he going to do now? i close my eyes and try to imagine i'm somewhere else... the beach, the mountains, anywhere but here would be paradise. i threaten to leave only to be threatened right back with something much more dangerous. i swallow my tears and pretend to love him. i say 'i'm sorry' and timidly walk towards him. he opens his arms and i catch myself flinching, that makes him even angrier. 'please, please don't do this. i'm sorry, i'm really truly sorry. please!' it doesn't matter. *shove* i land on the floor with a loud thump. i thump that implied, in my head, that i was too much. 'stop, please just stop it!!' now he's enraged, livid. i close my eyes and go to paradise, away from him, away from her, away from that awful house. the ceiling fan spins above my head; i watch the blades go around and around again. i try my hardest to focus on the consistent spinning, but eventually it makes me feel dizzy and sick. i look at him, he's yelling something, but i can't understand him. *kick* ouch. i'm back to reality. he's calling me every degrading name possible. i know what comes next... i always know what happens now. i prepare myself for the worst part of it all. i bite my lip until it bleeds, but not a tear is shed, not now anyway. when it's over he leaves me there like always, and as soon as i am sure he is gone, i go take a shower. i sit down in fetal position and cry. i cut myself with his razor. i go home to my mom, avoid all of her questions and go to my room. i lock myself in the closet and scream into a pillow. i tell myself this is the last time, that i'll never go back. my phone rings, it's him. i answer, planning on cussing him out, but end up saying sorry for making him so angry. the next day he comes with flowers and hugs. i forgive him... he can be nice sometimes right?

present- wrong. he is an asshole. he will burn in hell for what he did. i block his number, i report him, i do everything in my power to keep myself away from him. is there a part of me that still loves that sometimes nice person? of course. but not enough to endure the abuse. i'm stronger now, i know that don't need him. just in case you're reading this, F*CK you, go to hell, and have a nice life in prison, you sick bastard.

life after renfrew FL.

so far things are going really well. i landed in north carolina yesterday, and i have followed my meal plan completely. i'm actually pretty proud of myself. renfrew florida was actually really good compared to philly. i feel like i really grew from my experience there. it wasn't a hard transition like i expected and like it has been in the past... i think the staff set really strict boundaries there so that helped.
today i went shopping and didn't care that i had to buy a pair of shorts that was 2 sizes bigger than i used to be... i actually feel pretty comfortable at my current weight. granted, my goal weight was a lot lower at the frew than at TK, but i think as long as i keep eating and continue on the track to recovery, i will be just fine. :D

renfrew center (florida)

so tomorrow i'm leaving for the renfrew center in Florida.
i can't even begin to explain my nervousness. my mom said this is the last time, and this time she means it. i'm really really scared that things wont work out. i'm being transported with a tube, which i think is already kind of demeaning in a way. it's like they don't even want to give me a chance. hopefully it will be all right though.
i don't know any of the contact information, but i'll have my phone for the plane ride so i can write down numbers and be able to contact you guys and let you know.
please keep your fingers crossed for me.
<3

Levine again..

so yeah.. i don't even know where to begin. i am back at levine from randolf. not really a surprise to anyone here, but i am doing much better.
no tubes, no PPN or any of the sort.
i have been eating all of my meals and snacks as required to gain priveleges back.
it's been hard as hell, but i've been making it through.
and the facebook picture thing, well there's really nothing i can do about that now because i'm not allowed on facebook at the moment. but anyway, to all the haters out there, you're very ignorant to believe anything i'm going through is for attention.
it does suck to be back here. i feel like such a failure... i mean, i've spent over a month in hospital(s) trying to somehow maintain medical stability. it's been the hardest battle of my life.
i was only at CMC Randolf for a day and a half before i had to get sent back to levine... that really does make me pathetic.
however i could sit here and should all over myself all day long but it doesn't change anything. i'm here now and i have to do my best to get better.
so for all of you out there who think it's for attention, please back off. i really am trying to kick this ED in the ass.

PPN

yesterday i started a treatment called PPN, which is basically just a lot of big words that stand for IV nutrition. it is, so far, the worst thing i have ever had to do treatment wise. it stings and burns when it goes in, and it freaks me out because i have no idea what they have going inside of me. i don't know the calories, or any of the info, i don't know what it's going to do to my body, i don't know how much i weigh, so for an eating disorder sufferer it's an utter nightmare.
they keep telling me all of the complications that could arise from doing PPN and it makes me so mad. like, why can't i just eat and not get sick afterwards? it's so freaking frustrating. for the first time in my life i wish i could just eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about any of this anymore. UGH!

the 12 days of Levine

so far my stay here at levine has not been good. i've been getting sick all of the time, and the doctors are trying their hardest to figure out what's wrong. yesterday i had to do a barium swallow test, and today i have to have an MRI on my stomach to see what's going on. it's all really overwhelming.
what scares me the most is to think that i have done permenant damage to my body that can't be reversed. i literally CAN'T eat anymore without getting sick. i may end up having to get a PICC line to get TPN, or have my NG tube advanced and be on continuous feeds, or get a G/J tube. it's all so scary.
i never knew my eating disorder could cause all of these problems. i never thought i would end up being so sick.
some days i don't leave my bed for the entire day because i feel so horrible.
i have constant headaches that never go away unless they give me pain meds which just knock me out. i don't know.. i'm just venting. i'm horribly scared. but hopefully they'll figure something out soon. :/