Livid.

Yes, that would be true. However, I was worse last night. It was the first time I have gotten that angry in a really long time. Today has been better, but I'm still pretty angry. Right now I'm sitting in the Media Center listening to "Bare" and writing this. Anyway, now it's time to go.

To be continued...

Questioning Existence.

Things are horribly awful, and awfully horrible. I really hate to say this, but there is a part of me that wishes i would've just died. That the scary skipping beat of my heart, the stabbing pain, the inability to breathe, the involuntary vomiting, the passing out, purple limbs and lips would have killed me. But no- for some reason I don't quite understand, I lived. The question I ask is, why? Did I live just to sit here crying and being force-fed all day? Is that even fair? I think not.

I feel like I've lost everything to this stupid Eating Disorder, except the one thing that allows the ED to continue to exist- my life. I feel completely souless, mindless, heartless. I don't even feel like a person anymore; instead, a tangible Eating Disorder. Nothing helps anything anymore...

I really just want to disappear off the face of the Earth. It may sound selfish, but can you really be selfish if you don't fully exist? I definitely don't; I wonder how long I haven't. In the past, even in my ED, there have been times when I felt okay. This time is different. This time I really don't feel human. I wonder if this is what true insanity feels like- eternal disembodiment. Could I really be trapped here forever? If so, will I get used to it?

I want to cry and laugh, feel pain and relief, shout and whisper, attack and embrace; all at the same time. I want to dip down intho the bery depths of insanity, and yet fly alongside the completely sane. (Do they even exist?) I want it to be summer and winter at the same time.

I question why I'm not dead, and come up with nothing. How long can this go on before I kick the bucket completely? Will I ever kick it completely, or will I always live in a state of contridiction, always half dead-half alive but never succeeding in either one?

Bordem Kills; I'm almost dead.

I'm seriously sick of being so bored. I really need someone to kidnap me! There is never anything to do but school work, sleep, and eat. It's getting so annoying and ridiculous. I'm pretty sure I can't deal with this for much longer. I do write a lot though, and that helps some. I've written pages and pages of narratives; I may post some on here if time allows. (which it should!)

I would really love to go to somewhere sunny and warm, instead of sitting in a cold room all day watching rain drops slide down foggy window glass. It gets depressing, which is hard because there is really no one I can talk to about it. I haven't seen my therapist in almost 2 weeks now. I really don't even remember what life was like before therapists. I'm so used to seeing them that I feel I've become co-dependent in some way. It's really quite weird.

Anyway, that was my boredom rant, which probably bored you just by reading it! Haha, the irony is great. :D I hope you all have a great day, and next couple of days. As I said earlier, I will try to post some of my narratives.

xoxo, -erin♥

Insanity Exists..

Indeed it does, and it's with me right now.

I'm know I'm losing it; I'm certain it's only a matter of time. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that one day I will wake up to find myself somewhere I don't remember, surrounded by people I don't recognize, and realize that I'm completely gone. I imagine myself to be like Edgar Allen Poe, stumbling around in anothers clothes, inarticulate and rambling. It's already happening. If I sleep at all, I wake up mere hours later disoriented and afraid, thinking and speaking of things that I'm not even sure truly exist.

I keep waiting on something to happen, something to blow me one way or the other. To be (sane) or not to be? I know that is the question; however the answer is far from my lips, the tip of my tongue, and even my brain. The answer is floating around above me just barely beyond my reach. I just hope I can grow taller, and soon...

Introducing Her.

"Her" is "she", and "she is I. You can call me Erin, though. I decided to start a blog because my best friend has one, showed it to me, and I was all for it! So, here I am. I'm an aspiring writer/psychologist, and I'm a big 'dreamer.' There are so many things I want in life and in return from life. I have horrible impulse control, and I'm terribly obsessive; esspecially over words. I always have to find the right words, which isn't always easy. I am very passionate, and I can definitely see blogging becoming another thing I am passionate about.
I suppose I'm just me; I feel like I'm a bit hard to describe, and yet not indescribable. I hope that you all will begin to learn who and how I am through this blog. I want to use it as an outlet for myself, and others. As I said before, I'm an aspiring psychologist, so I love helping people. One thing that helps me greatly is when others share their similar personal experiences. Though I know this isn't helpful for all, my hope is that I can help at least one other person than myself by writing this.
♥-erin.