Things are horribly awful, and awfully horrible. I really hate to say this, but there is a part of me that wishes i would've just died. That the scary skipping beat of my heart, the stabbing pain, the inability to breathe, the involuntary vomiting, the passing out, purple limbs and lips would have killed me. But no- for some reason I don't quite understand, I lived. The question I ask is, why? Did I live just to sit here crying and being force-fed all day? Is that even fair? I think not.
I feel like I've lost everything to this stupid Eating Disorder, except the one thing that allows the ED to continue to exist- my life. I feel completely souless, mindless, heartless. I don't even feel like a person anymore; instead, a tangible Eating Disorder. Nothing helps anything anymore...
I really just want to disappear off the face of the Earth. It may sound selfish, but can you really be selfish if you don't fully exist? I definitely don't; I wonder how long I haven't. In the past, even in my ED, there have been times when I felt okay. This time is different. This time I really don't feel human. I wonder if this is what true insanity feels like- eternal disembodiment. Could I really be trapped here forever? If so, will I get used to it?
I want to cry and laugh, feel pain and relief, shout and whisper, attack and embrace; all at the same time. I want to dip down intho the bery depths of insanity, and yet fly alongside the completely sane. (Do they even exist?) I want it to be summer and winter at the same time.
I question why I'm not dead, and come up with nothing. How long can this go on before I kick the bucket completely? Will I ever kick it completely, or will I always live in a state of contridiction, always half dead-half alive but never succeeding in either one?
No comments:
Post a Comment