I know I haven't posted in quite some time, so I figured I would give it a shot.
I've actually stopped writing pretty much all-together. It's really sad actually. The motivation just isn't there anymore, which doesn't usually happen.
Right now I'm just fighting to even tread water. My life has become nothing but an eating disorder, and I am finding it hard to do even the most simple things like clean my room or do the laundry. Yesterday night I vomited involuntarily for an hour after eating a rather normal meal. It was the scariest thing to me. I could feel my heart beat in my stomach, and my head would not stop spinning. My hands shook terribly and I found it nearly impossible to even speak. I laid down on the couch and fell asleep, which is something I never do. I woke up to my mom's fingers on my wrist, checking my pulse I assume. To me, that is rock-bottom. I feel so guilty because I now know that my mom is genuinely scared that I might die. It's weird because I'm not the thinnest I've ever been, but I feel much more unhealthy than I ever have before. I guess I'm learning that I don't have to be thinner than I was before to be sicker. Each relapse takes a lot from your body, and I guess the human body can only take so much..
I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost everything that makes me human. I can't write, and can't complete simple tasks without getting distracted or tired, I can't be 'normal' in social settings, the smallest issues send me into raging fits and bursting into tears. The only things I can remember are how many calories I've eaten and how much I weigh. My life is literally nothing but an eating disorder at this point.
I'm pretty sure that I'm heading off to Sheppard Pratt soon. My mom had to do a phone interview yesterday, and I get my lab results back early next week. I will be sure to keep everyone who wants to know updated on the situation.
