exhausted.

there are no ways to describe what i'm feeling right now... i just want this to be over. like, seriously i'm on the brink. i don't know how to deal with this anymore, not to say that i ever did. i'm nearly in tears as i write this... i've lost everything.. my best friend, trust, health, forgiveness, everything. i just don't want to be here anymore, not like this anyway. i've been asked the question many times- "what would your life look like if you were healthy?" and you know what, i don't f*cking know. all i've ever been is sick, since day one. literally; i weighed one pound eight ounces at birth and barely clung on to life. i had over 10 surgeries due to my cerebral palsy, basically all of my life has been spent in a hospital setting. maybe i have become institutionalized, like a prisoner who finally gets out and doesn't know what to do with himself or the world around him. that's how i am... i don't even know what to say next... my mind is so scattered and crazy... maybe it's because i stopped taking my abilify, maybe it's because my best friend ditched me, maybe it's just because i'm me. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry, i had to get that out. what i'm trying to say is that i'm simply exhausted.