every time it rains

the thunder roars, the lightening strikes, the rain pours down. the storm came out of no where, and doesn't seem to want to go away.
the same thing happened with ED today. his voice roaring in my head, his grip tightening on me, his toxicity pouring out.
i don't know where it came from, or where its going to go; all i know is that i can't handle much more. 7 years of literal torture. 7 years of sickness and near death experiences. i don't know what happened... i was doing so well, at least physically. mentally i was still caught in the storm of ED and addiction. i see my scars from my IV's and PICC line and remember how painful that whole process was. do i really want to go through that again? spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital, hooked up to IV's and feeding tubes? is remember shaking and crying in treatment center bedrooms, always cold and uncomfortable, always scared and lonely. do i want to live like that for the rest of my life? no.
so why is this happening again? why can't i just grab control of this monster and restrain it, at least for more than 6 days? i don't know.
every time it rains, i look up to the sky, and i wonder what is so great about sunshine. everyone lives, and everyone dies, including me. so why try?
because sunshine is beautiful. it radiates warmth onto our skin. without it we wouldn't even have a chance of survival. that's what is so great about it. so i must push on through the storm, continue to walk towards the sun.