hunger

i'm trying to ignore it. my head throbs and the hunger eats away at my insides. i sit journaling at my desk, chugging diet coke to try to rid the ache deep in my stomach. however, nothing seems to work. suddenly all i can think about it food. no matter how hard i try i can't focus on anything else. deep down inside i wish i could be "normal". i wish that right now i could go get something to eat- something more than an apple or carrot sticks. i wish i could eat without shame or guilt. i wish i could make the hunger go away properly, instead of downing diet soda, coffee, and chain-smoking menthol cigarettes. it's times like these that i wish i could recover more than ever. but why can't i??