joanna.

i clutch my tiny rainbow pony stuffed animal and think, i miss joanna. (i named it "jo" after joanna.) but when i really think about it, it's not really about missing joanna herself. while she was an important person in my life during my time at sheppard pratt, what she gave was more important- support, kindness, understanding, encouragement, positivity, compassion, love.. the list goes on.
she was the mother i always wanted but never had. she was my mom away from home. she was the person i went to when i was upset, or happy, or just because.
i often find myself missing her, but now i'm realizing that it's much deeper than that; instead i miss what she meant to me. i miss having that type of relationship with someone, a relationship that i swore i could never have. a relationship that actually scared the shit out of me because i knew that all too soon i would lose it.
and i have lost it, and it kills me. it cuts like a knife. it hurts like hell. i wish that i could re-create that relationship with my own mother, but somehow that doesn't work.
hopefully someday i'll find that relationship in SOMEONE; someone that i won't lose. someone who is meant to be a part of my long-term life, not just temporarily there.