rubble

Yesterday was a pretty awful day. it started off well, but ended badly.
i stole miralax from my grandmother (a whole container) and i thought i had gotten away with it. well, after church my mom went out to the car and dug through my bags and found it. she was so angry. she came into my grandmother's house screaming at me, telling me how i was raised to know not to steal and that it wasn't acceptable. in that moment all i could say was "what the hell mom?" but inside i was screaming.. "you don't get it! i'm sorry i just had to. whatthehellcanisaytomakeyouunderstandthatiHAVEtodo it!?!?!?" it was so frustrating. then my mom started saying that i obviously didn't give a shit about any of their feelings, which is probably the farthest thing from the truth. there have been many times that i have sat, a lump of sobs and crimson liquid, and held the bottle of pills in my shaking hand. i wrote pages and pages of letters filled with heartfelt, 'i'm sorry's' and 'please don't blame yourself' and it was always their feelings that stopped me. it was always the thought of, "what will they do when they find me like this, cold skinned and wrists covered in dried blood?" it was always thinking about how they would feel that stopped me because i know i have already hurt them so much. i'm sick of hurting them, i HATE myself for it, but i know killing myself is not the solution. so you see, if i didn't care about how they felt i would have died years ago. but i DO care. sometimes i wish i didn't so i could just be done with this all.
the whole situation was just really upsetting. i felt horrible for getting caught, and for doing it in the first place. i felt so stupid and foolish. my grandma's words to me cut like knifes, "if you would've asked i would've given them to you, i just don't want you to die erin, please promise me you won't do it again." that hurts more than my mom's anger ever could. i promised her, knowing that i couldn't fully commit to that promise. knowing that when my ED takes over, erin checks out, and i don't really control what i do anymore. it's so frustrating because though erin is not in control, she is the one that has to take responsibility for what ED does. it's her body that is damaged, her mind that is tormented, her soul that is being slowly sucked out. she is the one paying the price for all that ED is doing. it's not fair, but i don't know how to stop it. i feel awful for what i did, but i can't guarantee that it won't happen again. i can't guarantee that i will eat. i can't guarantee that i will stop purging. i can't guarantee anyone that i won't just drop dead someday. i know it's possible, especially with purging, and though that's scary, i can't change. i don't know what's wrong with me.
it was like one day i was a normal human being, and the next day suddenly i was a monster. my eating disorder has turned me into a horrid monster that lies and cheats and steals. erin would never steal, but ED doesn't care what erin would do, or what she wants or needs. ED only cares about one thing, "thinner, thinner, thinner, you must get thinner" i recognize that my eating disorder is only trying to protect me, but it's not working. sure, emotionally it helps, but even that gets bad sometimes. i just wish i could take everything back.. go back to a year ago and not go to his house, go back to six years ago and not purge with my friend. go back 11 years ago and beg my daddy not to go to work. but i can't. the past is the past and i have to deal with what it's left me, and right now all that seems to be is a bunch of rubble.