i couldn't really comprehend what had happened. it was something really bad, that was for sure, but it almost didn't feel real. i kept pinching my arm to try to figure out that it was real, and it was, but i felt like i was watching myself from afar. i stood in the mirror, staring at a body that didn't belong to me. staring at a very broken, hurt person. in the mirror, i saw the tears running down my face, but i didn't feel them. the only thing i could feel was the pain, which stuck around for a while to make sure i knew that it had actually happened, i wasn't dreaming. god how i wished i were. i kept praying, "please let me wake up, please!" but every time i opened my eyes i saw the broken person that i could no longer identify with. i sat down on the cold floor of the shower and turned the water on. i sat perfectly still and let the tears spill from my eyes. i listened to the beating of my heart, which reminded me that i was a person; i was alive. despite everything that had happened, i had survived, and that was going to be a good thing someday, just not today. the water eventually got cold, but i was so immersed in thought that i barely noticed. when i started to shiver i decided to get out. i found myself again staring at that person in the mirror that wasn't me anymore, and i remember thinking one thing, and one things only in that moment, "i have to lose weight, i have to find me again."
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