destiny unknown

yesterday was mothers day, and it was really difficult. i ended up not going to church or out to lunch with my family. they were going to a buffet after church, and i knew that it would be way too overwhelming, and so i told my mom the night before that i didn't think it would be a good idea to go. to my surprise, she was actually really supportive. she was very proud of me, but i wasn't proud of myself. instead of going and trying to manage the situation, i stayed home and majorly restricted. my whole family was proud of me, but i hated myself for it. i don't like that i'm still mentally not in a place where i can handle that situation. i'm also full of guilt for the fact that my whole family is so proud and praising me for doing well, and i'm eating no more than 400 calories a day and exercising all the time. i feel like a horrible person. i wish i could just be normal and go out to eat with my family and have a nice time, instead of worrying about how many calories are in the food or how it would make me gain weight or how i was wasting time that i could be exercising. my life is again completely consumed by this eating disorder. i would like to say that i thought things couldn't get worse than they were the last relapse, but at the rate i'm going it looks like it's quite possible. i've been home 2 weeks and lost 11 pounds, but the weight doesn't even matter to me. i mean it does because i have an eating disorder, but my eating disorder has become so much more than weight. it is almost a way of life- the only way i know how to live. i can't imagine myself without it, but i know that if i don't stop i will die. i'm 16... aren't i too young to die? but then there's a part of me that thinks, "hey, maybe that's what i deserve.." or, "maybe i'm just destined to die from this.." are people ever destined to just die? just like some people get cancer and don't make it, is it the same for eating disorders? or does everyone have the oppertunity for recovery? i mean, some people will die, but is that possibly because they were just one of the people chosen to not make it? i feel like if those people exist, i'm one of them.