someone made a comment in first block that really stuck with me.. "you're just so tiny erin!" i stood there and stared at her, i'm pretty sure my jaw dropped. i couldn't believe it, me.. tiny? that's impossible. it was really frustrating.. not because what she said was offensive, because it definitely isn't, but more so that i can't believe it no matter how hard i try. i really wish i could see what they say. i feel like everything i see and everything i have ever believed is just a lie. it really sucks because i think that maybe, just maybe if i could see what they saw, i wouldn't have to do this to myself anymore. i don't know how to get to a point where i can see what they see. it also crosses my mind, maybe they're lying to make me feel better. maybe they say that because they know that is what i, or more my eating disorder, wants to hear. but in a way it isn't helpful. it 'feeds' my eating disorder. it gives me ammunition to keep going. i don't like my eating disorder, i really don't.. but i honestly feel like i can't stop at this point. things have gotten so far out of control that i can't go back to the way things were before this stupid disorder. i feel like such a failure for relapsing so quickly, but somewhere deep down inside i think it was inevitable. maybe that's a self-fulfilling prophecy, who knows. it's just really frustrating.. they call me tiny but i feel so huge. i really don't know how to challenge the thoughts anymore. my brain is spent.
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