3 am. i wake up in dire need to go to the bathroom. too many laxatives and diuretics have now taken affect, making me miserable. afterwards i step on the scale- 89. somehow the fact that the number is one less than it was yesterday makes it all okay. but is it really okay? i'm beginning to ask myself this question again. i go back to my room, open my window and smoke a menthol marlboro. somehow it also makes everything seem okay. i listen to the music that drowns out the silence that is simply unbearable. my stomach rumbles and my throat aches from thirst, but i won't allow myself anything to eat or drink, especially not at 3 am. my tired eyes want to close and let me drift away to sleep , peaceful and calm, but my stomach and mind won't allow that to happen. and so i write, hoping that if i spill my mind out onto this paper everything will be okay, and i'll be able to sleep again. but why do i keep trying to convince myself that everything is fine when it's obviously not? why can't i just accept that everything is completely fucked up again? i'm not in denial, i just won't allow myself to accept the reality, but why? everyone else has accepted it, even my mother, who is amazing at denial. so why won't i just accept it? things are fucked up, and i'm going to die.
maybe it's because now i have too much to lose. before i had nothing but weight to lose, so it didn't really matter if i died. but now i have a lot more- a boyfriend, friends at school, school itself, babysitting, church, and a family that is trying harder than ever to support me. i had some of this before, but it didn't matter as much as it does now. my attempts to lead a normal life have screwed me over because now i have SO much to leave behind.
I don't need to say it again, but you are an incredible writer and extremely articulate. You have SO much going for you at this point in your life that it's crazy!! I have been struggling as well, but a new guy in my life, getting my RN, moving out, etc, have made me realize that I have so much to lose if I don't get well. And if I do? The gains are infinite. If I allow myself to fall further and end up back in treatment, I know that I can kiss a lot of this good bye. Whenever you feel like you have nothing, remind yourself of ALL that you have going for you. When I look at you, I don't see a number, I see Erin. Someone who is RIDICULOUSLY wise beyond her years, intelligent, insightful, kind, hardworking, and a caring friend. You have a potential within you that very few 16 yos that I have encountered have. I remember you replying to a fs question and saying that you were proud of your writing, and even just from reading your blog, I couldn't agree more, and I could fully picture myself reading a book that you have written one day :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think that I can accurately express myself in writing, but the courage and fight in you (while you might not realize it) is very clear. You have this in you...the fight to beat it, the will to live.
<3 <3
Katie