forgiveness.

i saw her today, and had to work really hard to keep from completely going insane.
the girl that used to be my best friend.. the girl that knew everything about me, that i was completely comfortable with, that i would do anything for.. the girl who eventually hurt me more than anyone ever could.
we did everything together while we were friends, which was for several months. yes, i know it's weird to have a best friend after only a few months, but that's an issue i have. i get attached to people really quickly. i trust very easily. i should say, i used to trust very easily.
now i find it hard to trust anyone. because of her, because of him.
every time i see her face i freeze. it's like i'm paralyzed. i guess there is a part of me that blames her for what happened. i know she didn't make him do it, but i know that if i would have never been friends with her then it wouldn't have happened. and she wasn't innocent either; she took advantage of me too.
when i see her my world stops. a fear rises inside of me, making me shake and my vision blurry. for that moment as she walks by, i fall apart. usually once she is gone i can pull myself back together, but today it proved to be very difficult.
i had to text one of my friends and use grounding skills that we learned at sheppard pratt. i felt so stupid and small. not small in a good, eating disordered way, but small in a defeated way. so small that i can't defend myself. so small that i could easily be crushed. so small that no one can see me; it's a horrible feeling.
i haven't really been able to shake the feeling. it happened after first block, and now it's fourth. all day long i have been thinking about her.. thinking about our friendship.. all the 'good' times partying, sleeping over, and hanging out dowtown, and then the night when it all was ruined and erased. the night my life was shattered.
to this day, i believe she cared. i don't think she was a completely souless person.. i want to give her the benefit of the doubt. but i can't seem to erase the last thing i remember her saying to me, in front of the whole class, "what are you looking at, you fucking whore!?"
the girl who was supposed to be my best friend, saying something so horrible and so untrue. but after what had happened, i believed it to be true. i wore that label and couldn't escape it no matter how hard i tried.
i still find myself wearing that label from time to time, and i have to remind myself of the reality.
no one asks for that. no one deserves that. i am not a whore. sometimes i still find it hard to believe for myself.
and in truth, there is a part of me that misses her. well, not really her, more the relationship. honestly, i want nothing to do with her. a little detail i forgot to add, she got knocked up last year and from the looks of her today, i'm guessing she's either had her baby or had an abortion while i was gone. and i'm the whore? but that's beside the point.
i miss how i could go over to her house after school and escape my own home. i could talk to her about anything. she wouldn't judge me. she knew about my issues, even drove me to therapy once, and she didn't seem to think of me any differently. however, everything i believed about her was wrong. i was believing a lie. the relationship wasn't real. even though i hate her now, it was still a loss. i've already had so much loss in my life, it doesn't seem fair.
i'm just now realizing this, after over a year without being friends. i don't know why it has taken so long, but i'm glad it's over. the wound has been reopened, but i know that with time and patience it will heal. she can't hurt me anymore. he can't hurt me anymore, either. as much as i would love to blame her, it's not her fault. the psychologist, and good person, in me wants to help her.. wants her to have a better life. i do think she deserves more than what she's settling for.
but right now there is only one thing i want to do- forgive her. that is the only way i will ever move on. i don't think i'm ready to forgive him yet, that's still not possible. but i think i can forgive her. forgiveness isn't for her sake, it's for mine. and forgiveness doesn't make what happened okay, it makes ME okay.