I was talking in therapy with Eileen, and came to a realization- the deadline for my recovery is coming.
I've spent so much time in my eating disorder that I've forgotten how much time I've spent in it- 7 years.. I will be 18 in less than a year, and fully responsible for myself. Right now I'm fully responsible for my recovery... My mom has stepped back, my friends have stepped back, the rest of my family (excluding my grandma) have stepped back and said, "this is your battle now."
It scares the shit out of me to have so much responsibility for myself, to not have anyone to blame/excuse except myself. I'm left alone with God to figure this out. I'm making the shots here- making sure I get to my appointments, making sure my mom makes the correct appointments, eating (or not), asking for help, or choosing to suffer in silence. It's all up to me now.
This responsibility makes me want to sink into my ED even more to avoid the situation and the reality, but the more I do that the more I am making bad shots in my recovery, leading me ultimately to death.
My life is in my hands. It has always been, but I'm just now realizing it as I grow older.
So what am I going to do? I'm making the shots, what I say goes, what am I going to say?
I'm not sure yet, but i must decide soon because the deadline for my recovery is coming; I don't have much time left.
Music heals. Seek support from others, even those you may not know. Sometimes the words of others can get us through the day. Or meal. Keep going.
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