nervous

I'm sitting outside waiting for 3:30 to come. I'm so nervous that I'm becoming nauseous.
"what's it going to be this time," ED yells at me. I can't get him to shut up.
I feel like shit, literally. I've taken miralax so much that all I do is shit.
(too much info, I know)
I sit outside feeling the cool breeze and smoke cigarette after cigarette, trying to get ED to shut up.
ED is excited for the appointment, Erin is terrified.
I try to force myself to eat or drink something before I go so maybe it won't be so bad, but I can't. ED has to know the exact number.
I find it harder not knowing the numbers, because then I feel like I have to do everything in my, or more accurately, ED's power to insure that it doesn't go up.
I'm nervous again. what if it went up? what if it went down, what if it stayed the same? what if she doesn't even tell me!?
I can't think straight anymore. I know I have relapsed badly, and I can't pull myself out of it.
I think back to may and feel sick. that CAN'T happen again. but at the rate I'm going I know that's where I'm headed.. which makes me nervous.