it's all setting in now. the newness is wearing off. my mom and i made an agreement that as long as i wasn't purging i could eat however much (or little) i wanted. so today i've had what TK would consider one meal. not so bad, but not great either. i feel myself spiraling downward again. i mean, hell, i went to the ER the day before i was supposed to be discharged!
anyway... i went shopping today and got jeggings, and uggs and new bra's and it was really kind of triggering. my body has just grown so much over the past 7 months. it scares the hell out of me. all i want to do is lose weight. and yet, at the same time all i want is to be in recovery and not have to worry about all this shit anymore. it's so confusing and conflicting. i'm trying to rely on my higher power, but right now that's not doing shit for me. maybe i'm not doing it right or something. it's all just so frustrating. i have a whole new apartment and room and a brand new start and all i can care about is the size of my thighs and boobs. i'm beginning to feel like i will never become a normal teenager, whatever that is... i'm currently waiting for a bed to be open at carolina house. my mom wants it to be soon, but i would prefer it being a week or so more. i havent even gotten to see my grandma yet. :( ughhhhhhh idk, i'm just so frustrated with everything. sorry for the vent, just had to get it out.
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