what will my story be?

so i know i haven't written on here in a while, but i've just been kind of preoccupied.

i guess i have been sliding down a slippery slope from day one.

i am done lying to myself, i'm struggling... A LOT. like, probably more than i have before as far as restricting goes. i haven't purged since i got home, which makes about 2 weeks. but, i have been eating the bare minimum only when i have to. when i'm left to my own devices i just don't.

this is weird and different for me. i guess i'm so used to the restrict/b/p cycle that it's strange that i'm only restricting.

someone asked me the other day what triggered it, and honestly, i don't know anymore. i think it has just become pure addiction. i can't come up with a legitimate reason why i struggle anymore. i've been in therapy for years, i've been in treatment/hospitals 16 different times in the past 6 years, i shouldn't still be struggling. back to the being honest with myself- maybe i'm just not willing yet. i mean, i want recovery, but as my best friend said there is a big difference between wanting something and being willing to do something. i know my meal plan, i know my DBT skills, i know how to reach out for support, i know to rely on my higher power and work the steps, i know HOW to do recovery.. it's just a question of when. i know my body can't handle much more damage. i'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute. but why can't i stop? why can't i just fucking stop!?

i've seen so many people come out of this to lead successful lives, and i've seen so many die from this horrible disease. that leaves me with a really hard decision to make... i can be a success story, or a sob story.