this isn't what i intended...

i'm going to die... i realize this at the oddest times. today i sat in english class watching 'The Crucible' and i again remembered that if things keep going the way they are going i will soon die.
i'm not losing weight as rapidly as i want to, which only makes my behaviors worse.
and logically i know that weight isn't the only factor in health. i have known people who were at their ideal body weight and still died from complications.
sadly, as soon as i write that i think to myself, "that better not be me... i better at least die thin."
how fucked up is that?
thinking about my thoughts makes me want a cigarette and a cup of coffee, neither of which i can have in school.
i look down at the time a realize that lunch is in 20 minutes. damn it..
i want to skip but the hunger is almost unbearable.
i start running through my head all of the possibilities i could allow myself to have, and the only ones i can come up with is fruit and salad. and if they don't have fruit or salad? nothing. or my eating disorder tells me that i could just purge, but i am so sick of purging. (no pun intended)
my thoughts spin out of control and i lose them and then find them again and try to put the pieces together but somehow they never fit. why is this happening to me? why does it have to be this way?
i never really thought too much about how i would die, not until this year anyway. i always had it in my head that i would die someday when i was old and after i had lived my life and done everything i wanted to do. i would have traveled the world, had kids and grandchildren, had a successful career, been happy. and when i died, i would die knowing that i had no regrets; that my life had been, for the most part, good.
however, that is not how it's playing out. the way things are going, i will die 16, miserable, and most of my life experiences will have been bad ones. i have not traveled the world, i have not become a mother, much less a grandmother, i haven't even graduated high school, and i have too many regrets to count. this is not how i want things to be... so why can't i stop doing what i'm doing?