murderer.

i remember that day like it was just yesterday. panic filled me; how could this be happening? i was too young, it was too wrong, i didn't deserve this... i had been through enough already, right? but somehow i deserved it all. being traumatized wasn't enough; i now had to deal with the horrible, and yet innocent, consequence of the humiliating act that i somehow provoked. obviously i had done something terribly wrong to deserve this, obviously there was something very wrong with me; god was trying to punish me. i didn't want to deal with it.. in truth, i didn't know HOW to deal with it. instinctively i made myself sicker to rid the "problem". i rationalized that it was okay because i couldn't handle it, but now i really regret doing so. after i knew it was over, i was overwhelmed with relief and tremendous guilt. that guilt still follows me everywhere i go. i found myself arguing with one of the nicest people i know, insisting that they don't understand, that i AM a horrible person that deserves to burn in Hell for what i've done. she said she understands, but i'm not so sure. i wonder if things would have been different if the situation wasn't a traumatic one. would i have still done the horrible thing that i did? i like to tell myself that the only reason it is okay is because of the circumstance in which it happened, but i still carry around unsettling guilt and shame. i feel like a murderer. i feel as if i don't deserve health and happiness. i feel like a huge part of me is missing. i can't overcome the feeling of loss. i wonder if i wouldn't have done what i did, if MAYBE things would be better. maybe that would have been the thing to motivate me to be healthy, and keep me healthy. but no.. i didn't choose that road. instead i chose to do something so selfish and immature. i don't think i can ever forgive myself..