procrastination.

i find myself sitting here writing the same thing over and over, as if somehow writing about it is going to solve the problem. it's pointless really. i guess the writing itself is therapeutic, but it certainly doesn't fix anything.
the main thing that i'm having a hard time dealing with is trying to avoid unavoidable emotions/memories/situations. logically i know that avoidance only makes things worse in the end, but there is this huge part of me that tries so hard to avoid everything anyway. it's SO much easier to act on symptoms, and basically kill myself, than to deal with the issues that drove me to do it in the first place. every day i tell myself that things will be better tomorrow, i won't restrict as much, i won't purge, i won't over-exercise, but then tomorrow comes and it's too hard to not give in. so i give in, and then promise that tomorrow will be different. the problem is tomorrow turns into next week, which then turns into next month, which turns into next year, and before i know it i have 6 years of this hell underneath my belt, with no hope of change in sight. and that is really hard to avoid, especially when it comes to purging. when you're restricting you can almost convince yourself that it's okay. it's just a diet, you're just cutting back a little, EVERYONE does it! but when you are forcing yourself to throw up anywhere from 3-20 times a day, you KNOW that is not okay. you can't convince yourself that doing such is not a problem. the sad part is, i know it's a serious problem. i know that i will die if i don't change my behavior. but for some reason, i just can't. i want to, i really do. but i'm just not strong enough to actually deal with the underlying issues driving my eating disorder, and other self-destructive behaviors. what's even more horrible is that i know what i need to do to get better, i just get stuck when it comes to applying it. i do believe that i can get better someday if i really work on it, it just doesn't feel possible at this point in time. but the next question is, how long can i procrastinate before it's too late??