it feels never-ending

i wake up in the morning, one more pound gone. sometimes knowing that i can weigh myself is the only motivation i have to wake up and get ready for school. i should be wanting to go to school, to learn something, to get back on track so that i can graduate and get my associates degree. but no, i just want to see if i've lost weight. when i do, it's a good day; when i don't, it's a pretty sucky day. my world is again reduced to nothing but food, weight, calories, exercise, etc. it's a pretty sad world. everything is completely black and white, no color exists. there is a wall built up between me and everyone i know and meet, leaving me feeling alienated and alone. the funny thing is, i did this to myself. i don't sleep well, and when i do i wake at all hours, still panicking as i try to escape the horrible nightmares, and remind myself that it's okay, i'm safe. it is really hard to focus in school because all my mind wants to focus on is ED. but i do manage to focus, i do my work, i listen to the teacher, i make good grades. but it's only the first week of school, and right now things are easy. i am really worried about the weeks to come though. i cried and cried when my therapist started threatening inpatient on tuesday. i explained to her through broken sobs that i just couldn't go back, i have only been out for 6 weeks, if i go back in it is just proof that i am a complete failure, i can't miss any more time in school, i'm okay.. really! of course she didn't buy any of that. she explained that with my potassium being low, and my continuing weight loss, that i would die if i didn't turn things around. of course i didn't, and don't, believe her. things aren't that bad, really. i have potassium pills, i won't have a heart attack as long as i take them, right? regardless, i'm not thin enough to go into treatment, not yet. i know that i really can't afford to go back, not now. and besides, where would i go? Sheppard Pratt obviously didn't work, Renfrew was a complete joke, Frye South Campus- also a joke, and Remuda was too damned expensive.. what's even left? i do know i need help, but i'm not quite sure how to get it. every time i go into treatment, i go in with the best attitude and intention possible, but by the time i leave it's all gone. and 6 weeks later i'm sitting there writing a blog or journal entry like this. will this ever end??