just keep talking

today has been a pretty slow day. i'm at school with my mom because school is cancelled yet again due to the snow, but she has a work-day, so i decided to tag along considering sitting at home all day by myself is incredibly boring. not that this is too much better.

being off of school has really give me some time to think though. i have been thinking mostly about what i want out of my life. ultimately i want to become a psychologist, maybe work at a private practice or a residential treatment facility, not sure which i would rather do yet. all i know is that i want to become a psychologist so that i can help people deal with the very thing that has taken control over my life and stolen so many years of my young life. however, i know that in order to do that i am going to first have to do some serious work on myself. i've always been rather insightful, so i know a lot about myself- the way i process things, how i am a 'deep thinker' and often times personalize things a bit too much. i know that i have many many faults, but i have also begun to see some of my strengths. i have a way with words, i can generally articulate how i am feeling and what i am thinking considerably well. i have an amazing memory, which sometimes can be a curse. i enjoy helping people and giving advice, and have been told that i am pretty good at it. i'm convinced that all of the things that have happened over the past 6 years were meant to teach me how to help others' going through the same thing. so really when it comes down to it, i'm actually very blessed. i know from having a therapist who is recovered from an 8 year battle with an eating disorder that having that personal experience really does help. it's impossible for me to play the 'victim role' with her, which is really challenging at times, but is probably the best thing that could happen.

the hardest part right now is getting to a place where i can do well again. right now things are pretty bad. not the worst they have ever been, but definitely not good. i really want to do well, and i know that i need to. i'm definitely not the thinnest i have ever been, but physically things are getting really messed up again. sometimes i do genuinely fear that i may not survive this. and it's really pathetic to be afraid for your life when you are only 16 years old. for the first time in a really long time, i am able to see the true underlying issues of my eating disorder. which is double sided- good and bad. good because i can work on resolving some of the issues and changing my behavior. bad because it's so freaking hard to deal with. a huge part of me just wants to use the behaviors to completely avoid everything that is driving them. i don't want to think about my relationship with my mom, the loss of my dad, traumatic experiences, the many insecurities i have, or anything else along that line. maybe i don't want to because if i do then i know i need to make changes and try to fix things. maybe i don't want to because i just don't want to feel all of the uncomfortable emotions that come with it. maybe i'm just too much of a coward to face it. whatever the reason, it's not a pleasant thing. i want more than anything to just be able to run away from it all and pretend like it never existed in the first place. but i know that is not possible, no matter how much i act on my ED or other self-destructive behaviors. i can smile and laugh and pretend like everything is okay, but at the end of the day those things are still there on my shoulders, weighing me down sometimes so much that i can barely move. and it doesn't matter how much i starve myself, that weight can't be lost. i know the only way to rid of that weight is to talk about it; allow someone else to take some of the weight from my shoulders and bear it with me. sometimes my pride is too big to let me do that though.

regardless of how uncomfortable it may be, i am going to have to follow the advice of a nurse named Danielle, who was one of the most helpful people at Sheppard Pratt. Her words to me were, "It gets worse before it gets better, but you just HAVE to keep talking." so i won't give into the silence. i WILL speak up. after all, what is left to lose?