Family life is sucking right now. Every one is so combative and unwilling to communicate, it's awful! I am trying very hard to stay away from my mom and brother as much as possible. They wonder why I'm so screwed up, but never look in the mirror.
My brother said the most awful thing to me yesterday, so awful that I won't even repeat what he said. All of it was true, but he presented it in a very insensitive way that would make even the strongest person upset. I felt like my innards spilled out on the floor, my world shattered, and it was all I could do to fit them back in and glue everything back together. I cried for what seemed like ever, and for the first time in a while, cut. I only made one slit on my right wrist. Shallow enough to not hurt me, but deep enough to keep the pain at bay. It actually scared me a little bit.
I haven't eaten an actual meal in two days. I want to, but it's nearly impossible at this point. I just don't want to deal with all the anxiety I know eating would bring. I've been begging my mom to let me go to boarding school, but she is being very adamant. I can partly understand her hesitation, I have given her quite a few reasons to worry, but I feel like she should at least let me try. I feel like I would just be so much better without her in the picture 24/7. Even though Remuda sucked, I was the happiest I have been in my entire life. The only factor that was incredibly different was her absence. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. We have "mismatched personalities," and we've clashed for as long as I can remember. I think she knows this, but doesn't want to admit it.
I'm so ready to be independent, even though it surely doesn't seem like it with my behaviors right now. The only reason I am acting in such a way is because of my mom and brother. I know my restrictive and self-destructive behaviors don't help y case, but as of now it's the only thing keeping me from flying of the handle.
Right now I'm at my friend Krista's house, which is a huge relief. Her family is amazing, and so accepting of me. It's so comforting to know that when things get unbearable, or even when they're good, that I have somewhere to go. Her house is more than just a place, it's a family that I often feel care for and love me more than my own. There are no words to describe my gratitude. I honestly don't know what I'd do without such an amazing friend, and family, to lean on. I would probably be stuck in the psych ward, and I'm not over-exaggerating.
As of now, I really don't know where I'm headed. I'm kind of just walking the line between normality and insanity, waiting for a quick, powerful wind to push me one way or the other. If I don't go to boarding school, if my mom keeps me at home and treats me like a child, I feel insanity is where I'll end up. Quite honestly, I feel like I've been waiting for an excuse to go completely insane for years. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
Hopefully I'll find something other than my eating disorder to do this summer. My memory of last summer plagues me, and it's kind of hard to move on. I'm going to try, though. I plan to spend a lot of time with friends this summer, which will temporary occupy my mind. I hope it will occupy it enough to avoid relapse, but right now I'm not sure anything could.
Enough with the pessimistic attitude Erin!! This summer will be fantastic, and even if it isn't, it will still be a fantastic learning experience. (:
You remind me so much of myself at your age that it's scary. My family was/is so similar to yours. The best thing that happened to me was that I left (I was actually taken away when I was 15) and though my journey for my ED did not end, and in fact just began, I think it was the beginning to my healing. I had to leave my destructive family to begin to realize the extent to which I was "broken".
ReplyDeleteOne thing I wish I could let you know that I have learned over the years (I am now 27)is that we do not choose our family, we are born to them. But we can make our "family". By this I mean, as you get older you get the choice to step away from your biological family and form the "family" that you need to be supportive and help you thrive. You "adopt" moms, sisters, and brothers. Your friend's family sounds supportive. Is there a way you can surround yourself with them and spend as little time as possible at home? I spent my entire adolescents in hospitals and institutions (one or another). As I got older, I made other people into my "family."
I remember on one occasion where my mom was supposed to visit. I always say that if a treatment center was next to my house, she would still not visit, find some excuse to stay away because it just confronts her with the fact that everything is not as she imagines it. It's like she needs to live in a fantasy world and not confront reality. I was the "purple elephant" in the middle of my living room of my family. Except instead of me not being willing to talk about it, it was my family being unwilling to confront their dysfunction (even when I entered treatment and had therapists forcing them to). If they closed their eyes to the issue, it didn't exist. On the occasion that I'm referring to, I waited all day, expecting her to come. Even past visiting hours, I still expected her to some how show up. This time would be different. But it wasn't of course. Soon after that I realized that I needed to surround myself with people who were going to give me the things I needed. Like you I had a friend who's family was amazing. Not only did they understand me and my issues (ED and cutting) but they also helped me through it. It was only with them that I had a hope of doing what I needed to do (basically not restrict and act on symptoms). Maybe you can do the same? Maybe your friend's family can help you, be a safe haven when your home is not.
I really feel for you. I wish I could save you from the pain you feel and the years of pain you have already experienced. Just know that you are not alone. I like to say that now I am in recovery. Of course, it took quite a while for me to get to where I am today. But PLEASE don't give up! You are worth so much more than this, and you DESERVE happiness.
Melissa
You are such an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteMy friend and her family have been amazing, and I'm generally over there 90% of the time now.
They are going to Hawaii for 3 weeks, which is sad and I'm kind of worried. However, it should be okay.
Thank-you for sharing your story with me, it's very helpful!
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