Monsters.

I guess this has become a regular thing, staying up till odd hours in the morning, smoke cigarette after cigarette and writing. I can't really complain, though.

My mind is racing. So many thoughts, so little capacity. I honestly feel like I can't hold any more in my brain. My memory is taunting, I have such a hard time ever letting anything go. You would think that would be a good thing, and sometimes it is. Just not at this particular moment.

I have been reading (?) this creative writing book called, "What It Is" by Lynda Barry. Today when I was looking through it, something really popped out at me. The page, full of amazing drawings, read, "What is a monster? Where do they come from? Where do they go? Why do they leave? Why do they come back? True or false: wherever there are people, you will find stories of monsters? Why? Do we need them?"

I believe a monster is something, anything, that taunts someone. When we're little, they come out at night when everyone is asleep. They hide under our beds, in our closets, in any place we find dark or scary. When we get older, they come from anywhere, many times uninvited. They continue to hide in places we find secret, dark, or frightening. When I was young, my dad told me that once an adult finds out about the monster that is scaring their child, it will go to monster jail. Monster jail was guarded by 1,000 big, strong men who were experts and keeping monsters out of our world. Now that I'm older, I know there is no monster jail, and when an adult finds out about my monsters, they become even more resilient about going away. Sometimes I believe they leave just so they can trick you into thinking they're gone to leave. And when they come back, you will be crushed, and I think they love this. I also think that they sometimes don't want to hurt anyone, but they feel like that's all they're good for. But eventually, they feel sad and guilty enough to leave you alone. I think monsters have feelings too. There will be stories of monsters where there are people because I think people often times create monsters. Some are born from fun. Others from people wanting something scarier than their own reality, something they can compare their shitty lives to and say, "There are scarier things," when, at the time, they really don't think there could be anything more frightening. However, they want to. They want to believe that things are not as bad as they seem. I believe that most monsters are born from pain. In example, 5 years ago I was in a lot of pain. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave school, but the only way that would happen was if I was sick. So, I went into the bathroom and made myself sick, which gave me what I wanted. At that moment, I let a monster enter in. I didn't know it, not yet. That's another thing about monsters, they aren't scary until you don't feel scared. They take advantage of the fact that for once in your life you feel okay. Monsters are taught from a very young age to never let anyone feel okay. Most people have some sort of monster in their life, and I'm pretty sure it's been this way since the beginning of time. Maybe the monsters are supposed to help us grow up, to see that eventually we have to choke back our fear, and ignore the monster. Send them to Monster Jail, let the 1,000 men handle them, and forget about it. After my dad died, my monsters stopped staying in jail. They kept getting out, and coming back to me. Maybe the gaurds were the special souls of the big, strong men, and not an actual human being- my dad did say it was a different world. And maybe when my dad died, his special soul died too, leaving 999 special souls to keep thousands of monsters locked away. And perhaps that allowed my monsters to escape, one less gaurd meant a little less security. One less parent, also meant one very sad, hurting child. Monsters are born from pain, so maybe my old monsters were still locked away, and I gave birth to new ones. However it happened doesn't matter much now. Now all that matters is the fact that they are still here. Quite honestly, I don't think even the largest monster jail could lock them away now. I've given them too much power- over me, over authority, over resposibility, over relationships; they're just too strong. Maybe one day I'll fight back, deprive them of power just the way they have slowly done to me. And yet, maybe they'll kill me before I have the chance to do that. I'm not sure. What I am sure of; however, is that they're too strong for me to fight on my own, 999 special souls just isn't enough.