yesterday i started a treatment called PPN, which is basically just a lot of big words that stand for IV nutrition. it is, so far, the worst thing i have ever had to do treatment wise. it stings and burns when it goes in, and it freaks me out because i have no idea what they have going inside of me. i don't know the calories, or any of the info, i don't know what it's going to do to my body, i don't know how much i weigh, so for an eating disorder sufferer it's an utter nightmare.
they keep telling me all of the complications that could arise from doing PPN and it makes me so mad. like, why can't i just eat and not get sick afterwards? it's so freaking frustrating. for the first time in my life i wish i could just eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about any of this anymore. UGH!
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ReplyDeleteHang in there, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThat's a lie that you say you WOULD eat if you could. I bet you're absolutely loving all of this....the attention, etc. But you're right--parenteral nutrition is going to do things you don't expect. And yes, you will gain weight. That's a given. IV fluids do that. But it seems like you are proud of where you've landed....putting new pics of you on Facebook and making your profile pic one with a tube?? Please!! Don't be proud of this, Erin!! This is all YOUR doing, so you can't blame anyone but yourself. This also means that YOU are the one responsible for your recovery. This is no one's problem but your own.
ReplyDeleteHi. I just came across your blog from someone else's. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm disturbed by what the other commenters have said. Choosing a picture of yourself with a feeding tube for your facebook profile picture is super unhealthy -- very disordered, but there's more than that of course. I can't say if you're doing it for attention or what. I am guessing yes, and that makes me sad. I hope you'll consider taking that picture down. I mean, not only does it show how sick you are (physically AND mentally) but it could even possibly trigger your facebook friends that are also struggling with EDs). I really don't understand why tubes provoke "envy" for some, but I know it does.
ReplyDeleteYou're so young and you've already had your ED for so long, but that doesn't mean you can't recover! I've had an ED for 20 years now. While my ED has certainly never been as extreme as yours, you do not want to be in your 30s and still dealing with this craziness. You're lucky to be getting this help while you're in your teens and I hope you won't have to carry this into your 20s. But if you're this malnourished at 17, if you continue down this path you won't even live to see 20.
Gain the weight (yeah it sucks)...keep working at it. Try NOT to rely on the tube and PPN for all of this. It sounds like you are, if they're talking about continuous feeds which I gather means you're not doing what you need to be doing with food that you should be, even while hospitalized. None of this is something to be proud of!
Please really think about your fb picture and whether that's really the image you want to portray to your friends -- playing the "sick one" etc. is not cute.