silence.

sitting here alone has made me think a lot. about life. about love, if such a thing even exists. about recovery. right now i am just at a stand still. i'm not sure what i want, do i even want to be healthy? what would that even look like? there is this huge part of me that feels deserving of sickness and misery. and even though logically i know that it isn't true, somehow i can't let the belief go. there are so many things that need to be said but every time i try to say them nothing comes out. i just stand there silent, looking like i have something important to say, but not able to muster up the courage to say anything. the other person just looks at me, puzzled. they too know that i have something i really need to say, and i think they know that i can't. because they don't ask. sometimes i wish they would ask, but what would i do if they did? i would probably just end up embarrassing myself. i think they know that. the silence bothers me though. i feel like there is some odd distance between myself and everyone i love, and no matter how hard i try i can't force myself any closer. maybe if i could speak, break the silence, tell them everything that has been holding me back for so long, maybe the distance will diminish. but i feel like i will never know because i just can't.