regret.

lately things have been really rough. i don't know how i got so off track. i hate to be so hopeless and negative all of the time, but i just feel like such a failure. like, i knew i was going to relapse as soon as i got home. i hate the fact that all i can think about is losing weight and being sick. i recognize that it is just an escape for me now. it allows me to focus on weight, calories, food and exercise instead of focusing on what is really going on. at sheppard pratt and renfrew, they basically forced me to focus on trauma and other underlying issues, which i thought made things so much worse. i didn't want to talk about that stuff. in fact, i wasn't ready to. but they didn't care. the only way i was going to be able to leave would be to talk about it. it put me in a really uncomfortable position. either i stay quiet (and sane) or i tell them everything they want to hear so that i can go home. it was a really difficult decision. but finally i just decided to talk. i was so sick of being there; it was like prison. but now i'm really regretting my decision. they told me that if i didn't make significant progress i could be there until christmas, which would have really been hard, but i think i would rather have that then bring up all of the stuff that is just making things harder for me now. before i started talking about it, i wasn't bothered by it. but now it's all i can think about at all. it's tormenting me so much! i wish i could just go back in time and take everything i said back. my life at home is almost exactly the same as it was before i went in. and i hate that! i'm honestly sick of being sick, but i just can't get control of the disorder. i don't know what else to do. i just don't know how i could be so stupid!!!